


afraid

by lester (howell)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-01-25 12:09:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12531024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howell/pseuds/lester
Summary: i know you mean it when you said you love me, but we're trying way too hard





	1. Before

**Author's Note:**

> hi, so this is my first time posting on ao3. i hope you like this (:
> 
> (i'm still working on my update schedule)

it wasn't your sickening blue eyes that made me fall for you. it wasn't because it looks like the countless shades of blue combined to form something so breathtakingly beautiful. it wasn't because it seems so expressive, seeming to gleam when you're shining with glee and turning into a darker shade of blue when you're upset. it wasn't because your eyes look like the sky just before the sunset, astonishing blue but with specks of yellow. but just like sunset, i never get tired of just staring at it. i'd always think that it's beautiful.

but not when you're looking at me with those onyx blue eyes shining—not with glee, but with tears. and to know that i've caused that, it breaks my heart. i know i'm making a mistake, i know i'm going to regret it but i'm afraid.

"d-dan just-" your voice breaks slightly. i removed your hands in mine but you weren't deterred. instead, you took ahold of my hand one more time and gave it a loving squeeze. and fuck, i almost gave in right then and there. i always loved it when you do that. it might not be the sweetest gesture but maybe i just love to feel that your fingers seems to fit perfectly against mine. "i-i don't know why you're doing this but i-i'm sorry if i did something wrong. i'll get better, i promise." with the sound of your voice, my heart is breaking all over again. i feel like choking, out of breath, drowning in the waves of emotion but i can't bring myself to swim because i don't know how to save myself.

i want to touch your face and kiss every bit of your skin that i could reach, reassure you that you did nothing wrong and i still love you. 

but you know what i said?

"sorry phil, i just don't love you anymore."


	2. 1st month

you called me, saying that you'll be getting some of your stuffs today. you tried making a conversation but i just made curt responses that probably made it seem like i don't care. but i do care, a lot, and that's the problem.

after the call, i sprinted to your room as fast as i can and grabbed the hoodie sprawled on your bed. it's not you but it's smells like you and warm enough to give me the sense of comfort i need when you're not here beside me. i used it to wipe my tears away because you're not here to swipe them away with your thumb, telling me that everything's gonna be fine.

maybe i've been so reliant on you on the past two years but don't worry, i'm putting an end to that. you won't have to see my face anymore. even if all i want to do is hold you and tell you how much you mean to me.

the time you arrived, i barely stopped crying. i panicked and pretended i just woke up from my nap which you believed. you didn't look any better, your eyes are visibly puffy, your raven black hair are messy, looking like it's been tousled.

once you finished packing some clothes, you took a hesitant step in my way. i looked up to see the same longing on your countenance, with an inkling of hope just like the last time i saw you. i want to cry again just from the sight alone.

for a while, i just watched you play with the hem of your jumper, fixing your gaze on the floor. i thought everything was fine, i thought you just felt awkward to bid your goodbye until i see you burst into tears.

"please don't do this, i don't know what to do without you." i can still vividly remember how you wiped your tears on your sleeves. it made me wish i was the one wiping that. it made me wish you weren't crying because of a fool like me. your glassy cerulean eyes are streaming tears down your cheeks. i can barely see how your chin trembled as you take short pauses for tiny gasps of air. i couldn't stand looking at you in such state, like it's hurting you so much so i didn't.

you always told me i'm good with my words, but that time, i didn't have anything to say but "sorry,". you looked at me in the eye and i was quick to avoid the gaze in fear that somehow, you will know what i'm thinking. i've always been like an open book to you. you always see right through me. you can always tell when i'm upset and you always say the right thing to make me feel better. it's disappointing that i can't do the same to you.

it took some time for you to stop crying. i can't bring myself to comfort you because it's also tearing me apart. 

"was it something i did?" i want to tell you that no, you did nothing wrong. it was all me. i'm afraid that i'm suffocating you in this relationship that i'm not even sure you want to be in. but i only managed a quiet "no,"

"is there someone else?" i wanted to scream until my voice breaks. there was never "someone else", it's always been you. 

i felt my eyes starting to well up. no, no, i can't, not again, not until you leave.

i know i'd be breaking your heart but i nodded. and just like that, i heard you cry over me once again. it's like everything around us vanished. the only thing i can hear is your wracking sobs. the only thing i can see is how you wiped your tears with sheer frustration, as if you just want to stop crying.

"goodbye dan," you said, "i hope i never see you again."

my heart broke into tiny pieces, and you are the only one who is capable of picking up the broken debris and putting it back together. but you will not. and i'm not asking you to.

i want you by my side. to just take what i said back so i can have you in my arms. but i'm a coward who's afraid of his own heart. i took one step forward, but took two steps back. i love you but i'm scared to, scared of what i might do. i want to repress my feelings, to hide it along the buried remains of my past, but i can't. it's like you stole my love and locked it up inside a cage without meaning to. i feel chained to my own emotions that i never had trouble expressing until now.

and just like that, i let my heart break once again instead of letting it heal and give it what it wants.


	3. 2nd month

it was three a.m. in the morning when i saw it.

it was a small box full of letters, "dan" is messily scribbled at the right bottom of the box. all letters neatly tucked in decorative envelopes.

i know i probably lost all the right to read all these letters the moment i broke your heart but i just can't help but want to hold on to every word on this letter that you wrote. i suppose i'd read this with an inkling hope that perhaps it will take me back to the days with you that i cherish the most.

albeit with shaky hands, i opened the letter carefully.

Dear Dan,

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this letter.

Actually, that's a lie, I actually know why I'm writing. I just don't know how to start.

You're currently at your parent's place. You've been only away for two days but I miss you already. I miss your beautiful, dimpled smile. I love how the corners of your eyes crinkle when you're laughing at a stupid pun that I made. I love how you would complain that I always eat all the cereal. You always say that your eye color is dull and boring but I love it, I love how it's the same color of my favorite espresso; rich, strong and pleasant to look at. I love brushing my hands in your somehow matted, deep brown locks against your pale skin.

What I'm trying to say is that I, Phil Lester, am inlove with you.

:Phil

 

Dear Dan, 

Happy First Year Anniversary! 

I can't believe you've put up with me for that long. Even if I'm the most clumsiest person you ever met. I don't know why everytime I do something stupid, you'll just laugh and tell me it's endearing. Do you really think it's endearing? Is it really endearing how I always leave my socks on the coffee table? Or how I always spill coffee on your bedside table?

Sorry, I was hoping I'd write something sweet for our First Anniversary but it seems like I'm failing.

But anyway, I hope everything goes well for us.

I love you so much.

:Phil

 

Dear Dan,

Today, we had our first argument.

It wasn't one of those usual lighthearted banter but we we're angry. I saw red. We're shouting at each other. I wasn't hurt physically but every words you let out feels like a punch in the gut. It hurt, It really did. I couldn't say anything back, I didn't want to hurt you even if that's what exactly what you're doing to me. So what I did of course, is I took the blame. Even if I'm well aware it wasn't my fault, I apologized.

Maybe I just love you too much. Maybe you don't love me as much as I love you but that's okay. I promise you, I'll fix this.

:Phil

 

Dear Dan,

It will probably take a long time for me to give this to you but I just want you to know how much you make me happy.

Happy is all I feel when I'm with you. That out of all the people in the world, you picked me. They were right when they said that loving and being loved in return is the best feeling you'll ever feel. Being next to you is my favorite place in the world, just holding you and exchanging 'i love yous' while our breaths mingled together, playing with your curls when you're sound asleep in my chest, holding you in my arms while you're crying and listening to your 'i'm sorrys' when we finish arguing, and I just thought I'd let you know that I think you're still really pretty, even when you cry. It's these little things made made me fall harder for you. You're the best thing that ever happened to be Dan Howell.

Our relationship is not all rainbows and butterflies. It's hurricanes and storms sometimes, whirling around like a wind until it scatters and breaks everything we've ever built. It's far from perfect but I'm happy. I'm happy with you.

By the I give you this, we're probably having a fancy dinner or maybe I took you back to Japan. (i don't really have plans atm) I'm sorry if I wrote this instead of saying this to you directly.

But Daniel James Howell,

Will you marry me?

ps: pls turn around!

:Phil

my hands that were just shaky completely lost its grip to the paper i was holding. it went limp, helpless, just like the feeling i have in my heart.

that was when the dam broke and tears started to fall down my cheeks. it was all tears and loud sobbing, it wasn't pretty, contrary to what you said.

i feel like i'm losing my mind. oh phil, i'm so sorry, i didn't know. i really didn't want to hurt you like this, it's killing me.

it was miserable. i feel like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and i couldn't do anything but just to let it happen. it feels like trying to comprehend a massive set of jigsaw puzzle.

a puzzle that i don't know how to solve.


	4. 6th month

in four months, a day hadn't come that i didn't think about you and your letters.

in four months, i didn't see you, talk to you. the only interaction we had is when you sent me a message saying 'i'm home'. and it hurt. it hurt maybe because i was so used to your sweet messages and 'i love you's' but i'll never get those anymore. it hurt maybe because you used to tell me that i am your home but i'll never get to hear those words again.

you're always in my dreams. we lay entwined in each other's arms as we watch movies just like we used to. i'm starting to get scared that i'll forget how you look like, how your eyes look like, so i make sure to focus on them while i dream of you. because i can't do it in real life anymore.

maybe it's because i started to sleep in your room the moment you left. wrapping myself in your blankets and i just want to cry everytime because it smells just like you. everything in your room is just so phil. sometimes i pretend that you didn't leave at all, that you just went out to buy something. that when you come back, i can finally be in your arms again and bask in your warmth.

but that won't happen.

and it hurts.

—

it was raining when i suddenly saw you in front of me, tilting your umbrella towards me so it would protect me from the sharp trickle of the rain. i didn't even see you sauntering towards me. i just suddenly felt the rain stopped around me, until i looked up.

you've always been beautiful. but i haven't seen your face in so long that a choked sound was coaxed out of my throat and i tried covering up as a cough. you were looking straight to my eye but your expression didn't say anything except worry. i was so used to seeing your smiles and how you'll always stare at me fondly that it hurt so bad to see you looking so... guarded.

"dan, you'll catch cold! what are you doing?" he asked, frantically searching for something in his pockets in his free hand. he retrieved a crumpled handkerchief from his back pocket and gave it to me.

"i forgot my umbrella," was my dumb answer.

and that reminded me sometime last year when i forgot my umbrella, but that time, you came rushing at our foyer with two towels to wrap one on me and used the other one to wipe my face. you laughed and said i looked like a cute hobbit. you took care of me and we just laid on your bed after that, my head on your chest.

maybe i'll never get to feel that again but that's okay. maybe you'll be happier without me.

you decided to bring me to your new flat because it's nearer and so you can give me a change of clothes and i'm more than willing to oblige.

we walked together closely, our shoulders touching because the umbrella wasn't big enough and it's taking everything for me not to just reach out and hold your hand.

your new flat is slightly smaller than ours—if i can even call it 'ours' anymore.—but it looks comfy and not phil-like unlike i was expecting. you told me to "make yourself at home." and retreated to your room to get some towels. i got up from the couch and looked over the decorations the picture frames attached to the wa— wait.

the pictures display a young-looking blond guy, he has pair of brown eyes and he looks really petit compared to you and i. literally all pictures in this living room is him. who is he? is he your new flatmate? did you find someone else already?

"that's my flatmate, leo. he'll be here in an hour, i reckon." you said, as i hear footsteps approaching me.

i nodded and looked down, trying to hide my smile even though you probably didn't even see it.

i felt a warm towel thrown over my head gently and you handed me a shirt and sweatpants. "go get changed, the bathroom is right there."

"okay, thank you." i sent a tentative smile your way and thankfully you returned the smile, just as tentative.

when i closed the door to the bathroom. i immediately hugged the clothes you gave me. i probably looked like a weirdo, smiling while hugging a pair of sweatpants but i don't care, no one would see. and i miss you. so fucking much.

i don't know why but i suddenly felt tears welling up. probably because of relief that i saw you again. probably because i got to see you, talk to you, for a brief moment. probably because this moment, i realized that you already moved on from me. i know that you still cared for me but you don't see me in the same light anymore. you don't love me anymore. i know it, i can feel it. you don't look at me with the same warm expression anymore or the longing i used to see in your eyes when we just broke up. this is what i wanted, isn't it? then why does it hurt so fucking bad?

realizing that i'm probably taking a lot of time, i washed my face and changed my clothes to meet you at the lounge.

"i-uh, thank you for the clothes phil. i'll return it next week— tomorrow, i don't know."

"you can return it anytime—are you okay? how long did you stay out? do you have flu already?" i silently thanked the gods above that you thought i had a flu.

"no, i'm okay." i faked a cough.

"do you maybe, want to stay here for a bit?" i want to say yes, i do but no. i just want to go home and cry in realization that i can never have you again. so i just shook my head.

"you're not—let's go home." he sighed, before realizing his mistake. "i mean, your place."

i know it was just a mistake but i could. just pretend that you still consider our flat as your home.

"okay," was my short response.

when we arrived at the flat, i thought you were going to leave when i reached the doorstep, but you didn't. instead, you asked me if you could come in and i just said yes. i didn't know what you were still doing with me but i'm just happy to have you here.

i offered tea or coffee even though i know you'll probably choose coffee, two sugars. it surprised me when you refused. you said i looked tired and i should take a rest.

i'm not really tired but maybe in a sense, i am. i'm tired of hoping that everything about us will just get fixed on its own. that maybe one day, i'll wake up to the day i was about to break up with you and not do the same mistake.

but i could only wish.

i didn't even realize i was crying until i saw the blue whirlpool of your eyes staring at me with concern, asking if i hurt anywhere. and that made me cry even more. you're still so perfect. i can't believe i let go of you. i remember when i will just stare at your face and suddenly, everything will get better for me, my head will be empty with worries and i'll just let myself be comforted by your presence alone. now, all it seemed to do is to bring back the pain when we broke up. the feeling of regret and guilt creeping up to my lungs until it suffocates me. i can't breathe

"dan, dan, just take tiny breaths, you can do it." you keep on trying to sooth me, accompanied by the sweet nothings you're whispering to my ear. but i can't hear you over my loud thoughts.

you held me the whole time, until i breathing has evened out and i calmed down, but the crying didn't stop. i latched myself on you, clinging on the back of your shirt.

"i'm sorry, phil."

"you're fine now, dan, you're okay." you rubbed my back up and down soothingly. i missed this. you used to hug me like this. lovingly and full of warmth. it took me back to the day when we became boyfriends, you hugged me this tight. i just want to take this all in, just engrave this moment on my mind in case this is the last time you'll hug me like this. i just want to remember the feeling of your arms around me while it lasts.

but it stopped, you went rigid when i said,

"i love you, please don't leave me." i really didn't mean to say it. i didn't want you to leave.

slowly, you unwrapped your arms around me. i whined pathetically and reached out to grab your shirt, but you caught my hand and let it drop on my lap.

"i'm sorry, i can't do this." then you left without even looking back.

and that's when i realized that i'll never have you back. i broke your heart and i guess i can never be the one to put it back together.

i'll never have you back and god it hurts so much.

i'm sorry, phil.

i'm sorry.


	5. 7th month

i wasn't expecting to see carrie at our doorstep, offering me a tentative smile. she has this look you see in sappy romance movies when a friend is coming over to comfort the main character when her boyfriend broke up with her.

in a way, it wasn't far from the truth. but i'm too scared to get confronted about it.

it's not a secret that we broke up. even if we didn't directly tell anyone, they somehow worked it out themselves. it wasn't much of a surprise, really. they probably noticed how we stopped interacting publicly on any of our social media accounts. we stopped inviting our friends over. and one time i received a text from pj saying; hey, i asked phil if i could come over and hang out bc i haven't see u guys in a while but he just said that you dont live together anymore. is everything ok between you two? to which i didn't reply even when the answer is an obvious no. i refused to reply to any of my messages the day we broke up. it's full of 'are you and phil okay?' and it just hurts to be reminded that you're not mine anymore.

i didn't want to let carrie in, i didn't. but it will be really rude for me to tell her to go away. so i forced a smile and invited her in.

she sat somewhat stiffly on the couch, she looks hesitant but i pretended i didn't notice.

"do you want tea? coffee?"

"no, it's okay. i'll be quick. i just want to talk."

i sat on the opposite chair from her and silently urged her to talk.

"are you okay?" i've been asked that question a lot these past few months so my response was almost automatic.

"i'm fine."

there was an awkward pause. i was about to get up to get some water when she said;

"dan, you've got— have you been eating well?"

no. "yes, i'm fine. don't worry about me. would you like some water? soda? anything?"

completely ignoring my offer, she said, "dan, we're getting worried. you need to take care of y—"

"i'm taking care of myself just fine, thank you very much." i scoffed.

for seven months, the only people i talked to is my mum, dad, my brother (over the phone) and phil that my common sense and politeness had gone out of the window.

"this isn't healthy. barely even leave the house anymore. you have to—"

"i'm fine, carrie. i'm fine." i looked at her tiredly, silently asking her to drop it.

i plopped back to the couch behind me and brought my hands on my head, suddenly feeling the need to cry again. i just want phil back, i just want you back and it hurts that i can never have you again.

"what happened to phil?" even though we've broken up for several months now, i still can't hear your name without wanting to cry. thinking about how bad i fucked up, about those letters you wrote for me and what we could've been if i wasn't so stupid.

a weak whine escaped from my lips, "i don't want to talk about it."

"dan,"

"carrie, i'm so sorry but please don't." after long hours of trying not to think about you and not to cry over you again, i finally let the tears flow. i wiped my cheeks using my sleeves but the tears just kept on coming, it won't stop. i felt carrie's comforting hand on my back but all it did is to make me cry even harder. my chin trembling from the intensity of my cries. i can hear my own sounds, like a vulnerable child getting lost in the crowd.

she keeps on rubbing my back comfortingly and whispering things like, "everything will just be fine." but i know that's a lie. everything will not be fine. i'll never get you back.

—

it took carrie a lot of weeks to convince me to talk to you. she told me to at least find closure but i don't want to. closure means finality. i'm not ready to let go of you, not yet.

but i'm doing it anyway. i'm not sure if it's a good idea but as i'm currently in front of your doorstep, there's no turning back.

i knocked on the door twice and heard a muffled "coming!"

i braced myself and swallowed the lump on my throat. we are gonna talk and i made a promise to myself that it's not gonna end in tears.

i barely even heard the door open when

"dan?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyy it's been so long. i'm not really sure if someone's reading this but i'm putting this fic on hiatus. college is really starting to feel like hell and my outline on this fic is kinda inconsistent, it's a bit difficult to continue writing. but i hope you enjoyed this chapter :)


End file.
